Introduction

 

Why do I even bother writing stuff on to paper?

Only to depress myself by reading it later,

Memories forever dwell upon my mind

And not knowing what the future holds makes me want to cry

Knowing I’m f*cking up here, now, this very moment

But I have the answer so why do I torment

Myself?  Why don’t I bother to try and help

Myself out of this mess I’ve put myself in?  I’ve never felt

Like this in the whole of my life and why now?

I just can’t get myself out of the hole, but somehow,

Somewhere, in my thoughts, I know exactly what to do,

It’s a question I seriously need to answer and soon.

And I know other people think it’s all down to laziness –

It’s not – I just haven’t the motivation and I couldn’t care less,

But in a way I do, because I really do want to succeed –

It’s a case of needing to, but too much has already intervened.

I keep thinking of the two years that have gone and now it’s all too late

Under so much pressure, it’s all such a mess and my life I need to recreate

Or I’ll die.  I’ll be jealous. I’ll make even more mistakes

And that’s something I can’t afford to do and so I fake,

I lie to everyone I need to, whoever’s around asking, digging my grave

So maybe I should do it again: suicide’s slave

And do it really obviously so everyone knows

And on this note, I bring my introduction to a close.

 

Chapter 1

 

I’ve got to stop thinking, even for just a minute

But it’s impossible – something’s always on my mind.

I’ve got to stop doing what I’m doing

I’ve got to stop but I don’t know how

What is WRONG with me?

I’ll end up crying myself to death

And people will be asking ‘why?’

F*ck people, no use for nothing.

Why does God insist on keeping me here?

When all I do is write stupid poems

And try and kill myself with depression,

He didn’t even let me fall asleep by taking those pills

I’ll do it properly next time with a note and everything

I just want to die I really do

I don’t want to be here, you just haven’t got a clue

Somebody help me before I do it again

But no-one is listening so I guess it’s just my fate,

It’s not like I see me anywhere in the future

Living my life: I see nothing, it’s just an empty space.

And blank.  And dark.  Crammed with ‘nothing’.

Just air.  Just imagine that.  And that’s what I face

And I can’t manage it so I just want to go

But still God doesn’t hear me and still doesn’t take my life,

He leaves me sitting here, alone, waiting for the night

He leaves me, alone, with my depressing inner voice

And it’s all f*cked.  And He knows.

And still He doesn’t help.  God, where are You?

Why won’t You help?  I’m asking for Your help to please get me through

And still You’re just staring, laughing with ‘I told you so’

Look, either You want me to die, or You want me to live,

Just get whichever over with, just let me know

But You just give me this f*cking silence all around

You send a panic through me, You won’t help me out

You send me into a spiral of mess and doom

Why won’t You do something?  Give me a sign,

Anything: for whichever way: life or death

And I’ll go on from that, and I won’t look back

But You’re not hearing me, or I’m not hearing You

Or maybe You just don’t exist?

Anything please?  The Sign.  Anything will do.

Why do I have this torment in my soul?  My brain?  My head?

In my mind?  In my eyes?  Just give me a sign.

I don’t want to wake up anymore after I sleep

Because, I don’t know, I just want to be dead.

I wish I had some kind of weird, imminent disease

That came from the middle of nowhere

Why can’t You do that?

I used to be so innocent, little and sweet

And now people hate me – nothing’s new.

I used to know where I wanted to go, and how,

And now I don’t.  So what went wrong?

Some weird mind disease.

 

Chapter 2

 

So here we are all over again, same place, same time, same me

And still God hasn’t given me a sign – why?

I guess He doesn’t care or does He want me to sort it out?

It’s a bit late for that so I’m still thinking of death

Except I have no money for anything that can kill me.

I cried myself to sleep last night – nobody knows

Except maybe God of course, but He didn’t do anything to make me stop,

He just looks on, looks all around and carries on His ‘life’

Staring at me, wherever He is, repeating over and over,

His words, I’m tired of them: ‘I told you so I told you so’

Why won’t they leave me alone?: – Voices in my head

Speaking to me as if they were people trying to help,

But there’s so many I don’t know which one to choose,

Which one is right?  But then if I do [choose] another voice says ‘No,’ and interferes

‘Who cares?’ it says and so then I go with that voice

And I carry on getting f*cked and I know that’s right

I mean wrong – what am I saying?  You see what I mean?

I don’t know what I’m doing sometimes and that pisses me off,

I can’t even remember what I’ve done some days

And I try to look back on the last two weeks asking myself what I’ve done

And I don’t remember – my memory fails – why?

I have to think about it – really hard, consciously make an effort

Isn’t that quite odd?  Why should that happen?

I don’t understand.

Why am I like how I am?  How?  I don’t know –

My answer to everything and it stresses people out

People think they understand and I don’t understand that

How can they know what I feel, what I think about my life,

They just don’t, they can’t, only I know

And that makes it worse that I’m on my own, by myself

In every single way, to every place I go, with whoever I meet

I’m so inconsistent, whilst these thousand voices sound off in my head

While I’m saying whatever to someone.  I’m fed up of them,

I want them to stop, they got me here in the first place

Doubting my ability, doubting my faith, doubting life, doubting me

Always negative, a critical analysis of my entire past and always something new

Something different to say, and they don’t stop.

My thinking process needs to stopped and then I guess what other people think

And that makes me feel worse because I don’t really know

And I wish I did, but then is that the truth?

But I don’t know anymore and I’m so confused

I want to go both ways but that’s impossible – I can’t.

You think I’m crazy, you think I’m insane

A mild case of paranoia-schizophrenia-or-something, think what you like

But on other occasions I can be so completely normal

It’s so weird to explain and that’s why I think you think I’m mad.

I’m an insignificant speck of dust like the faintest star in the skies

Please tell me, is there something wrong with my and how and why?

Is there a cure?

So I cry and I pray to God He gives me death

But again I woke up this morning and I thought ‘Thanks (!)’

Why is suffocation so violent?  I wish it wasn’t.  And hanging is so painful

And sleeping pills made me feel sick I should have gone to sleep

I can’t even kill myself and get that right how pathetic am I?

I wish I could cut out my eyes and give them away

They cry and don’t stop and they force me to see and to look

At who and what I am, what I was and what I will or might or could be

I’m tired of it all.  I’m just so tired.  So sick of everything.  So sick of life.

Sick of doing everything wrong.

I want to close these dreadful eyes forever so noone else can see.

Because I’m just so sick of everything.

So sick of me.